Our Man in Panama Begins to Devolve

Posted by Jim Calandrillo, now back in Panama by way of Mumbia

Hello, my fellow American. And, how are you on this fine, fine morning? I, myself, could not catch an ounce of shuteye, and decided to come here to the Canal banks to see if a fellow countryman might also be having trouble navigating the Land of Nod. And here you are! Fine, fine morning, I must say. When you can't smell the Canal, it means the winds are calm, and you'll be able to walk along ths shores without a mask or having to turn back to whatever direction you came from.Now that was mighty nice of you to offer me a cigar. It sure smells genuine Cuban, but my doctor has forbidden such extravagances because of my sinus condition. What? Did you lose something in the grass down there? Well, never mind the sinuses, let me just help you up to your feet. You're soaking wet from the dew. You'll never find your little dog anyway in this thick fog. Bet they never warned you of the thick layer of dew that develops on these fine, fine mornings, now did they? Way I see it, when you step on her, she'll yap, and there, you'll have found her! What's her name? Hugo? Well, she won't be able to hear you in the thick air, so be careful where you step. She'll show up somewhere along the banks here. All bodies do.I see you're wearing a "Find Baby Sophie" ribbon. Damn shame about that one. Nice job they did shaping the ribbon to look like one of them Macy's balloons.Well, aren't you nice. But, once again, I'll have to pass on that whiskey flask. Jameson's did you say? Mighty fine. No, I'm taking so many pills the doctor gave me that I can't drink sip of anything but well water. What's that? A Vicadin. You sure pack 'em strong. And I guess you don't care about what damage you might be doing to your liver?Hell, you're right on that one. You only go 'round once, unless you're a Canal repeater? Really! First time! Well, I'll be zoned! You could of fooled me. Headed where? Venezuela is a nice place this time of year. I'll give you that. Only stay away from that Guantanamo. Bad place, full of crazy Iraqis, like they never heard the Monroe Doctrine in school! Shame on them once for landing, and shame on them twice for squatting, but I'll be damned if they'll catch any of us not looking next time.Say, you seem like a nice sort of woman. What's a nice sort of woman like you doing in these parts of the Canal zone? You don't say. I thought Ballanchine had given up the search for your friend decades ago. She sure was somethin' the way she tu tu'd around, wasn't she? You reckon she's still alive and dancin' at her age? Oh just forty-two. Thought she'd be much older than that by now.Well, you have a nice stroll. You hear. Mind that dip in the Canal up about a hundred feet or so, where you're headed. Last time I heard, there was a gang o' no-gooders collecting people for another Muriel boat lift, or is it arial boat lift?No, I know you're not Cuban, my fellow American. But, you can't be too careful of who you might be mistook for. Just last year this bunch of maniacs thought I was some Serbian related to that long-dead archduke Ferdinand that went and started that big, world war, the second or third one, I think. And don't let anyone call you an ugly American! Geez, that fumes my timbers. You're about the prettiest thing I've seen along these banks in years, but you start talking to these know-nothings and first thing you know they're calling you an ugly American or queer, or something like that.Now, there goes my sinuses all plugged up again. Hey, you be careful on all fours down there. I was once mistook for an alligator. You don't want that nip and tuck. Just a joke. This gal, Joan Rivers told it to me. Yeah, the one who can't move her face any more. Damn shame. You mind your wet snout in the grass there. And when you head back this way, I'll fill you in on my latest condition.

Heirloom Shoe Rack Destroyed in Condo Brawl

Just when you thought the days of the good old bar room brawls were over...Ta Da! Now visitors to the Hamshire School of Art will have to park their shoes on a new model stainless steel rack.

Panamanian Pandemonium

Posted by Jim Calandrillo, who's fled to Panama for various reasons

There is so much of the American diaspora trying to crash these canal borders that those of us already in the country are resorting to sand bags, leaflets, and gentle persuasion for the hordes to go back and get the good old United States back on track. There are people jumping cruise ships to land on the Terra Firma of the canal banks. It is so much a part of the American psyche. First we separated, revolted from the British Empire. Then we headed West in a manifest destiny to be anywhere but where we were. Then we fled to suburbia to escape the cities. Then we rushed to rural America to escape suburbia. Then we headed anywhere but here. There will always be a beckoning Costa Rica, Panama, and who knows if Belize is next? We are always in search of the last vestige of sane, affordable living. It used to be either Florida's east coast, or Florida's west coast. Now all the action is in the middle. A town called Zephyr Hills about forty miles from here is the new haven where life can be lived without the extreme traffic and hub-bub of coastal Florida. That is until Zephyr Hills releases its diaspora...to where? To mountainous North Carolina. Onward and upward! To North Dakota. Hell the winters are brutal, but you can get a home for thirty thou. And everyone is leaving, creating another lightening rod influx sooner or later. With global warming, North Dakota will soon resemble Los Angeles anyway. East of Eden, North of Concord, South of Fairbanks, come to the Kentucky hills with a bag o'money and settle down with the McCoys and Hatfield's ancestors. They've mellowed. And property values are affordable now, before they skyrocket. You gotta buy before peak, so you're not caught in the exodus.I hear some of the Baghdad suburbs are dirt cheap. Once life settles down there, you'll triple your investment. God knows by then Syria might just be where the boom is headed. So, while I'm currently in Panama, who knows for how long? Teira del Fuego is ripe for influx. Gotta get there before the rest of the masses discover it; before it's too late. And it's only a hop, skip, and a jump to Antartica from there. Who says you can't build on ice? So you buy a little inland Antarctica so if some chunks of the periphery break off, you'll be safe and be smiling at how well you've invested. And once the poles shift, hell you'll be north in no time.

Music Video from Rev Billy

visit www.revbilly.com

Shut 'em Down!!

From the front page of today's Times. Looks like Office Despot bites the dust. After reading Stacy Mitchell's Big Box Swindle I'm getting front row tickets to watch the death of the big box stores. Here's an opportunity for organizations like Cambridge Local First to take up the slack. And what about the monster space left in Harvard Square by Bowl and Board's flight to Davis Square? Let's get rid of Staples and let Bob Slate move into that space.

Rebel Frequencies Top Music of 2008

http://rebelfrequencies.blogspot.com/2008/12/in-many-ways-2008-was-predictable-year.html

This one's worth a look. I'm going to print it out and take it over to Newbury Comics. Lately, I've been listening to Michael Franti and Spearhead. The new album, All Rebel Rockers, well, rocks!

Squirrel Nutkin

This fellow, or gal, appeared on my porch railing the other day. I felt sorry for the animals in this frozen snow so, as the Ramones famously said: "then I did what God forbade." I put out some nuts and seeds. If my neighbors are reading this, I'm dead meat. Put me out for the squirrels.

You Asked For It

Actually, no you didn't. But since it's time to make the 2009 Iced Coffee Season flyer, why not vote for your favorite from years past? Vote above right, next to the list of books of the month that have been up there since 1904.

Why is this all bluish green? The original is all yellowy orange. Well, I guess you won't be voting for this one.

This one really kicked butt. Wow! Ramon Casas and some other painter on a bicylcle with some Juan Gris thrown in just for fun.

What was Degas thinking, indeed!!! What was I thinking when I used his painting of the Absinthe Drinkers for ICS 2008?

I'd better get cracking on the 2009 flyer. I have a couple of terrible ideas already.

Best Ornament Because

It's in honor of Ralph Nader's great-nephew who played so merrily outside the Middle East Restaurant during the Massachusetts Marathon. And because of my great friend, Jim Calandrillo whose mother made him get out the accordian and play for relatives, and once-- in utter humiliation-- for his friends. The ornament was given to me by my merry daughter, Fionna.

I guess it's been a while

I've been in the art studio and I even have some things to show for it. Here's one for you now. This is called 'Malcolm Thinking at the Buddha Board.

Follow my struggles on my art blog at www.jeannelafferty.com You will be sorry you did.

I am wildly enthusiastic about Chroma Interactive Acrylics.

I have to go now for my press conference. I'm expecting all the major media to cover the story of how I managed to print my Outlook address book in a double sided format even though my printer dialogue box had this option dimmed out. I'll be taking this up with Epson during the week.

And...expect horrifying things in 2009 from Art Nite aka The Hampshire School of Art!