Oh My!

That cop, the one in the last blog post. It's a cow, not a sheep! Nothing is what it seems anymore. Not even a little.

No Need for Anyone to Be Unemployed

In it's great wisdom the City of Cambridge has seen fit to re-do the civil service exam for the Police Academy in order to widen the potential for diversity. Here we see a picture of the very first ovine officer sheepishly cautioning---a chicken? Apparently these cloven-hooved coppers will be clip-clopping around town, grazing around the parks.The wooly wardens of the peace will be bleating at various violators of the law and bleating at parking meters.

Last But Not Least Post-Christmas Neighborhood Tragedy

This one broke my heart. Santa beheaded and exsanguinated!! The blood-draining apparently extended even to his traditional red hat. And the bloodless head nailed to a house in East Cambridge! I ask you: what kind of monsters are out there? Sure, there are many holiday-haters, humbugs and hard core non-celebraters of the admittedly commercialized and crass holiday of Christmas. But to behead the jolly man so beloved by children everywhere seems a bit much. If you look closely (and I don''t recommend it) you will notice a tinge of red here and there, especially around the lips, the tip of the famous nose alongside of which he lay his finger.(that doesn't sound so good, put that way) as well as two dots on his merry cheeks. (also doesn't sound so good) Perhaps the savaged Santa, upon leaving the Windsor Tap, was in the middle of a high-spirited "Ho Ho Ho" when the axe fell, leaving his lips puckered and pursed, thereby saving a pale pink memento of his well-know rosy smile.

It's hard to know if we should expect Santa next December or not. There's the depressingly deflated version of the present-packing paragon, on Hampshire Street, languishing under a drain pipe. And then there's the fascinatingly fixated version of the right jolly old elf in his sleigh ready to take off over and over again. But the bloodless head! I seriously doubt a return of the toy-toting sleigh-man. I can't go on capturing these gruesome sights on film. I'm beginning to suffer from unending nightmares which is why I'm posting this at an ungodly hour. Better to get it out of my system than to fall into a dream-tortured sleep that decidedly does not feature visions of sugar plum fairies dancing in my head. Farewell to this topic.

Sadly, there are other hard-to-beleive-neighborhood-sights for me to report on in the future. As soon as I'm able to walk around town with my camera I will be back with the stories the major media dare not cover.

Nativity Figures' Exodus to New World

I received many outraged phone calls about the creche creatures trapped forever in a glass case on Hampshire Street. Apparently some fearless freedom fighter must have facilitated an escape for the holy fugitives.They got only as far as Elm Street. The first photo shows them in situ. Sorry to point out that there is blatant evidence of torture. Look at the electrical devices still stuck in their backs. And what's up with Mary's eyebrows? Their new homeland is not very secure, if you ask me, as they are right out in plain view of the dreaded 'House on Hampshire" from whence they fled. Looks like they 'followed the drinking (and eating) gourd as they are quite a bit larger now. The tireless and tenacious modern day Harriet Tubman made sure that the token Black Wiseman made it along with the suspiciously Ayrian Christmas crowd. Hell, even the animals are all white.(is that a duck on the left?) There is much speculation about how the escape was engineered. Some think it was on this bicycle. If so, it only got them to the corner of Hampshire and Elm. After lashing the bike to a post, the nervous nativity group must have jogged a few door down and are standing out in the open. Hope this blog post doesn't give away their location to their former captors.

Frightening Frosty Follow Up

I'll start by saying how welcome Tom Canel's comments were on the previous "Frosty" post. However, new information has come to light and it's not pretty. The beloved snowindividual has been discovered, tarred and 'feathered' (with some unknown kind of feather-like substance) and OH MY GOD! nailed to a door. His carroty nose is now irreversibly flattened, his hat sits squarely on his head but the two-eyes-made-out-of-coal are still there. (Frosty might be better off not seeing what has befallen him). Frosty's grin is a bit of a rictus-like thing. You know he can't be smiling. This, my friends, is not a 'jolly, happy soul'.The scarf is now strangulation-red and there are body parts (like the broom) missing. As Jim Calandrillo would say: "What a world, what a world!"

45 Degrees and Frosty Refuses to Melt

Yet another Christmas related puzzle has been discovered on--you guessed it--Hampshire Street in Cambridge. Frosty the Snowman, a tradition holiday personality made famous by the song, "Frosty the Snowman" was stumbled upon, standing up and perfectly formed while most of the snow in town melted and washed away into the streets causing minor flooding in certain areas. But not the intrepid Frosty who sat all puffed up up on the porch of 199 Hampshire Street. Looking all perky and defiant in the face of the January thaw, every detail of Frosty's persona remained utterly intact. Yes, the corncob pipe retained its jaunty angle as it continued to jut out of the snowman's erstwhile mouth. The two eyes made out of coal along with the three buttons of the same material appeared to suffer no discernable slippage. The same is true of the traditional carroty nose. The top hat, the scarf and even the ear muffs hung in there in perfect form. Close observation revealed a certain curvature of the broom to the shape of the lower body. Neighbors claim that this was the case before the mid-winter warm up. Scientists and climate change experts have no leads or working theories about what elements might be in play.

Nativity Participants Locked Forever in Small Glass Case

Another horrific post-Christmas discovery--also on Hampshire Street--has come to light in the recent investigations surrounding the disorientation of the beloved figure of Father Christmas. Concerned adherents to the Christianity aspects of the recent December holiday reported Baby Jesus, Mary and Joseph, the 3 wise men and a menagerie of barnyard livestock missing last week. "They usually return to the spirit world." mused Father Peter of Our Lady of the Sorrows Church here in Cambridge. Representatives of various Prostestant demoninations called in the missing group of Holy People shortly after an ecuminical meeting of desparate representatives of the clergy. After going public in the pulpits with the news, callers on the dedicated hot line set up for tips were able to alert the authorities to the whereabouts of the unique and grotesque solution of the missing historical figures. Again, right on Hampshire street, they were found, apparently safe but locked for all eternity inside a small glass box set on stilts so as to be seen at eye-level. Questions were raised about how all these people and farm animals could fit in a diorama of such tiny proportions. Experts have explained that people used to be a lot smaller back then.

Santa Back and Ready for Action

Only a week or so after the tragic deflation of that Merry Old Embodiment of the Christmas Spirit-- a Miracle--not on 42nd Street, but on Hampshire Street has been documented. Yes it's Santa and he's all ready to take off again in his sleigh just 3 weeks after his last ride. Caught in a time warp? Some kind of Christmas Day Groundhog Day scenario? Psychiatrists at the Institue for Magical Thinking which specializes in emblematic holiday figures are still working on it. As of this report they have not been able to bring the mythological Kris Kringle in for direct observation. The photo was taken on December 17th and at last reports Santa was still in this Zen meditative pose prior to what he seems to believe is his regularly scheduled take-off. Pundits noting the lack of Santa's sack are convinced that the elves have not been convinced to put in the incredible amounts of overtime required to produce the requisite number of gifts. A careful search of North Pole headquarters failed to find even a single wish list sent in after December 25th.Commentators have also noted the absence of the reindeer including Rudolf whose nose was reported lit up at the Windsor Tap a mere couple of blocks from where Santa sits frozen in time and place. Perhaps it's all just a metaphor for a world gone mad, or at least a made-up world gone mad.